“Mistress, what do you like to be called?” is a question I was frequently surprised by in My early years as a Domme. During the beginning of My journey into the life I, naively, surmised that “Mistress” was the only moniker for one’s Top.
I learned pretty quickly. Especially as My social group widened and I made friends with Dommes who don’t like this or that name for which and whatever very valid reason. For example, I have always been drawn to “Goddess” as a title because power-play, control and blind obedience (aka ‘faith’) are turn-ons for Me. However, I know fantastic Dommes who find this word silly and therefore devaluing; I fully understand their point of view.
I’m very relaxed on this topic. My reply to this question within a session is that I accept any of the typical titles as long as you use one. In other words: to call Me simply “Aurea” would be a punishable error but none of the common BDSM salutations are personally offensive to Me.
And then I started receiving emails from uneducated clients and suddenly I experienced what it feels like to be enraged by a greeting and now I understand why well-trained clients have been asking Me that question with such visible nervousness all these years: to err when addressing a Domina is a guaranteed antecedent to absolute fury.
“Mistress, please instruct this slave: what do You like to be called?”
I had thought the answer, for Me, was “Anything”. I never did think I would need to expand: “Any common BDSM address”. Never would I expect to need to explain “nothing else“. What could I possibly mean by this? Mind-blowingly, I refer to adjectives such as: “beautiful”, “gorgeous”, “lovely” and worst of all “sexy”. There are more but I’ve successfully erased them from My memory like the witnessing of an extremely traumatic accident.
Firstly, if you approach someone in the D/s life then, even if you are not in that life, you should respect Her choices and not disregard them. At best that looks like you are invalidating My lifestyle; at worst, that you contemn it.
Secondly, a Lady is more than Her appearance. Is it possible that I have to say this in 2017? If your greeting to Her references only Her beauty then you have just reduced Her to nothing but a pretty picture. “Dear Gorgeous Aurea” means “Dear Aurea who I am only emailing because She is attractive and therefore of interest to me”. Even worse is “Hi gorgeous”. you couldn’t even take the time to use My name. So My name, My whole identity, becomes merely “gorgeous”. Worse still is “sexy”. This word is more about the effect of My looks upon you. So now you’ve downgraded Me to absolutely nothing but a thing which you find sexually appealing; you’ve managed to make even My identity about you.
I’m trying to think of any circumstance when these words would be appropriate in an initial email. I’m struggling. Indeed, even vanilla sex-workers, who may trade more upon their outward appearance, are additionally skilled professionals and businesswomen deserving of a wider scale of recognition, at the very least, upon inaugural contact.
There is another question I am often asked in session: “Mistress, You are so beautiful, why are there so few pictures of You?”. My response to this is just as established. My sessions, fetishes and brand of dominance do not revolve around My looks in any way. I enjoy getting down and dirty, comfortable and sweaty, cerebral and non-observable. I find sessions where I need to be concerned with My appearance difficult and really stressful.
If you’re not approaching Me for My skillset then do not approach Me.
If you are and you think it appropriate to start your approach with “Hi beautiful” then you need to take some time to examine your latent mysogyny and your need to objectify women and view nothing deeper than their pictorial appeal, before any credible Domme may even bother to reply: “Hi moron”.